Monday, May 3, 2010

Movie Mondays: Freddy no longer has a "killer" good time.

Last night, Sean and I went and saw the remake of "A Nightmare on Elm Street." While I was watching it, all I could think of was how much better the original was...and then how sad it was that I had actually seen each and every sequel in the Freddy franchise that started in 1984 BC (Before Courtney). As I watched as the teens were repeatedly slashed on the screen and pondered how I spend most of my time in grad school watching movies in my living room on Friday nights like a common hermit  am a movie buff, I had the epiphany that maybe I should devote my Monday posts to movies I've seen; hence, "Movie Mondays" (really innovative, I know.)

So I know the really creepy premise of the movie is supposed to be Freddy's scarred face and razor sharp hands...but seriously, the eeriest part of the movie is the fact that Freddy is a bonified Peterass.

  "He had to go door to door telling everyone that he was a peterass."
 "What's a peterass??" "Shut the F* up Donnie."

The Big Lebowski? anyone? Bueller? Everyone has to see this movie....and every time I hear that someone hasn't, I die a little inside.

But anyways, Freddy was a pedophile, and that's why he was chased out of town and cooked like a chicken. What's even more creepy is the actor who plays Freddy in this remake, Jackie Earle Haley, won an Oscar for his uuber-creeper portrayal as a sex offender in 2006's "Little Children."

...I'm no actor, but it must really suck when you've been typecast in the role as the "go-to, obviously creepy, child molester guy."

When they get down to the original story, Freddy used to work at a preschool as the maintenance man where he also lived in the basement. Because clearly, all accredited preschools let weird guys who maintain the yard AND suspiciously play with 4-year-old's all day long live in their secluded basement.

Soon enough, the teens start dying in their sleep. Two things about the death of the first girl, Kris: First off, Kris lives in this gorgeous, suburban, 2-story, English Colonial, that could easily be placed on the market for at least $1.2 million, and her single mom (Marge) is...a flight attendant? I have nothing against flight attendants, Lisa was a flight attendant for American Airlines way back when, but does she afford that house? Hmm?

Obviously, our friendly skies are not the only things Marge is flying on top of, if you catch my drift.

It's the little details like this that really bug me; it sounds really shallow, I know...but the rest of the movie was so cliche as a remake, that it was almost too cliche in itself to focus this post on the painfully evident inconsistencies of the original. Remakes are supposed to be bad, it's a given. Anyways, as Kris climbs the stairs to her bedroom after her boyfriend's funeral, she enters her room, and...


Honestly, this part made me jump the highest. Until I saw that she had matching window treatments. *Notice I said "window treatments" and not "curtains"...oh the things you learn from living with an Interior Design major (Christina: +1 point) Either way, that's a lot of pattern for one room. 

But clearly, since both Marge and I share the same taste in what is considered her daughter's Pottery-Barn-inspired deathbed, (literally), this just simply means that Freddy's going to get me when I get back to my apartment in Tallahassee.

On the upside, there were some terrible, tasteless jokes thrown in there that were true to form of the Freddy franchise. As Nancy (played by catatonic, emotionless, Rooney Mara) is chased down her hallway by Freddy, he morphs her floor into a puddle of blood, and as she tries to swim through it he cackles: "How's THAT for a wet dream!?" Of course Giggles McGee sitting next to me got a kick out of that one.

All in all it was a typical remake. What I missed was the sense of humor that Robert Englund had about his character when he played Freddy. Yeah he was the killer, but at least he was witty. But in the end, if the film itself didn't scare the moviegoers in Boca, Sean was armed with his trusty laser pen throughout the whole thing... so if they didn't think Freddy was going to get them, the psycho-sniper who was obviously hiding somewhere in the theater would instead.

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